Hot Dog Poem

Hot flesh against soft buns.
Glistening, sweating meat I'm missing in me.
I have a need. Can you fulfill that for me?
I need your foot long essence.
My mouth drools at your very presence.
I will take you in with relish, but please allow me to embellish..
Can I squeeze a little more upon you?
Do the amount of condiments I have alarm you?
I'm here to eat you and you are going down.
When it comes to wiener love, I wear the crown.
Hot dog, you make me want to scream.
Are you for real, or just a messy dream?

New Jersey Rules of the Road.

For those of you who are planning a trip to New Jersey, or just passing through by car, there are a few local road rules that you may not be familiar with. This is a quick rundown of some of the more important, but lesser known traffic laws in the State.

• As in many States, a yellow light means gun the accelerator. A red light means no more than three additional cars can pass through the intersection. Whereas a green light used to mean "GO", the law has changed. Green lights now mean "Continue to text". You should keep your head in your handheld device and continue tweeting until the light turns yellow. 
• Stop signs and Yield signs mean exactly the same thing: Absolutely nothing. They are largely decorative. 
• When changing lanes DO NOT use a signal first. This is considered a distraction to the drivers behind you. In addition, you do not want to inform potential predators where you are going to go next. 
• When driving at night, or in inclement weather, make sure your headlights are off and your brake lights are disconnected. The Military has spent Billions on stealth technology to keep pilots and equipment safe. Stay stealthy, stay healthy. 
• Replace shattered windows with black garbage bags and duct tape. These are much less likely to shatter and give a cool "tinted window" look to your ride. The resulting blind spot is a plus too. You really don't want to see what the cars behind you are doing, it's disturbing. 
• Speed as often as humanly possible. N.J. police are suspicious of cars that travel at the speed limit. Doing 65 in a 65 mph zone just screams "Drug runner". Always try to do at least 15 mph over the limit. 
• Do not give way to cars attempting to merge with traffic. This is a sign of weakness and will only get you shot, or worse. 
• All right of way laws in N.J. have been rescinded. 
• If you are going to park at a hotel, motel, or residential area, make sure to have your car alarm set to go off if a mosquito lands on your car. This is a comforting sound to most N.J. residents, especially at night, like the chirping of crickets, or the soft cooing of Loons on a lake. 
• In most States, a double yellow line means "NO PASSING" in New Jersey, it means "BOB AND WEAVE! BOB AND WEAVE!" 
• When entering traffic, it is required that you spin your wheels and burn rubber. Warm tires are sticky tires and sticky tires are safe. Any NASCAR driver can tell you that. 

These are just the basics, but should be enough to keep you safe on the road as you pass through the Garden State. Drive safe! Drive HARD!

Truisms of Science Fiction Films:

Having been a Science Fiction and Action/Adventure fan for more than 30 years now, I have discovered some situational themes that find their way into the larger percentage of films nearly every time. I call these; Sci-Fi truisms. Let's get this going.

During an emergency on a space ship, or any other enclosure that is difficult to escape in the first place, (like an underwater research station) All lighting is extinguished and replaced by strobe lights. Deafening alarms will go off, making communication nearly impossible. Smoke and or steam will be released, creating an unnavigable fog. These are safety systems that could easily be implemented right now, for homes and offices. Someone should get on that. Oh, I almost forgot the count-down-to-death-timer with the sexy female voice.

At bars on other planets, or space stations, there are always women dancing in suspended cages.

Whether it is called a Faster than Light drive, (FTL) hyper drive, or what have you..This drive always fails momentarily when the bad guys are in pursuit.

The most popular choice for flooring in space ships, underwater facilities and extra planetary colonies is modular steel grating.

The lead female character in any Sci-Fi film, will find it necessary to disrobe to some extent in order to survive. This should be required in all film genres.

Hitting and punching electronic equipment always makes it work again. This is up to and including F.T.L.'s, navigation panels and nuclear reactor cores.

Someone in the "good guy" group WILL go completely insane at some point and jeopardize the rest of the crew. They are typically killed-off for this. (Usually by an inaction of the remaining crew.) 

In the future, all food, everywhere, sucks.

In most Sci-Fi, alcohol is forbidden on any research ship/station. There is always alcohol on board.

The lead male character in most Sci-Fi is still in the throes of a tragic event that has turned his life upside down and has made him a cynical little bitch.

There is always a nervous, vocal, sissy in a group. This person almost always volunteers their life for the group and dies a hero.

The hero(es) always escape seconds before the ship implodes, the planet explodes, or anything else in the general area "'-lodes"..

The first and second in command invariably have an antagonistic relationship. This is usually based on personal, not professional business.

The first and second in command always make up in the end. This does not guarantee the survival of either.

Human space ships are typically aerodynamically shaped. Alien ships are typically not. This is because space is a vacuum and the aliens, being an advanced species, know that there is not a lot of drag in space. Stupid humans!

The bad guys/monsters/aliens always figure out a way to adapt to any weapons/attack methods used against them initially.

There is always a person in a Sci-Fi film that has been forced to be in their present situation, whether by law, social standing, or blackmail. I like to call these people "wild cards".

The first thing to take a back seat in an emergency is life support. The bar/disco lighting on deck ten is still functioning normally. Smoothee machines are at 100%

Cowboy hat theory: Humans: White ships. Bad guys Black ships. Not always, but often enough.

To be continued...

 

 

 

Save Big Time On Dish Soap.

I have been using this little trick for years now and I feel a bit guilty having not shared it prior to now. Follow these simple instructions and you will save a lot of money over a years time. In this example, I am starting off with a 10.3 oz. bottle of Dawn concentrated dish washing liquid. If you use liquid detergents and have kids, roommates or spouses that can't seem to grasp the concept of conservation, this will help you out. This technique is for those of you like me, who wash only a few dishes and pans at a time and don't need a sink full of soap water. It's also very good for regular hand washing, as it uses much less drying, fat stealing, detergent.

Let's begin by explaining why this works so well. First, we need to understand what soap does. In non-scientific terms, it makes water wetter. "What?" You ask. It's the honest truth.

 

When you mix soap into water,  the soap molecules arrange themselves into tiny clusters (called 'micelles'). The water-loving (hydrophilic) part of the soap molecules points outwards, forming the outer surface of the micelle. The oil-loving (hydrophobic) parts group together on the inside, where they don't come into contact with the water at all. Micelles can trap fats in the center. These are basically micro sponges that can break the rule that oil and water don't mix. The inside of the sponge can absorb oil, while the outside layer is water friendly and allows the trapped oil to be rinsed off with plain water. Depending on which soap concentrate you use, and the type of spray bottle, you may notice more or less sudsing than you are used to. Do not fret. Contrary to popular belief, suds do nothing to clean your dishes. Don't buy into those cute, animated scrubbing bubbles on TV. They are lying to you.

Let's get started.

I use Dawn concentrate, but any concentrated liquid soap will do. The spray bottle I use is an old Dawn POWER DISSOLVER bottle. I highly recommend it if you can find it. Otherwise, any empty spray bottle will do. (As long as it has a mist spray.) You can get a generic spray bottle at a dollar store, or hardware store. Now you are going to mix the Soap and cold water at a 1 to 10 ratio.(1 part soap to ten parts water.) I have a 12 oz sprayer, so it's 1oz. of soap to 10oz. of water. The best way to mix them is in a measuring cup. Add the water first, then add the soap. Slowly stir the mixture so as not to create a lot of suds. Pour this into the spray bottle and you are done! Now, go hide the rest of the concentrate, so your co-habitants can't get to it.

The Math.

My bottle of concentrate cost $1.40 at the market. With that, I can refill my 12oz. sprayer 10 times. (duh) Divide $1.40 by 12 and you get just over 11 cents per bottle. That is a savings of  $1.29 or about 92%. I used to go through a bottle of the liquid in about a month and I live alone. So I am saving $15.40 a year, on just dish soap.

Give it a shot!

 

Why Do Zazzle Products Take So Long To Publish?

Every once in a while, you will see a question from a fellow Zazzler on a social media site, that asks; "Why are my products not showing up on my store?"

The easy answer is that loading times can vary wildly, depending on the volume of traffic at a particular time. There are other things to consider as well, that are a bit more complicated. In this example, I will use a pair of Keds Hi-tops. These can take a very long time to show up in your shop and I have recently come across the entire process the design and the shoes themselves need to go through in order to end up happily living on your shops pages.

 

This is basically what happens when you hit that button to publish your finished design:

First the design is sent to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, where a team of highly trained Oompah Loompahs shrink it down to a size that will fit through the Internet tubes that connect all the world's computers. The shrinking process takes about four minutes per pair of sneakers. You can imagine that things can get a little backed-up during this process. Especially on weekends, where my research has shown that over half the worlds population is attempting to add products to their Zazzle shops. Who can create on a Monday, right?

Once the Image is shrunk down to a manageable size, it is sent through the internet tubes. This is a complex maze of pipes and tunnels that is actually air driven, like the old fashioned mail systems that are still in use at some large buildings. Your design may make several stops at internet upload depots, where it may spend some time in a basket with thousands of other designs, before someone comes along and sets it back into the tubes, hopefully aimed in the right direction.

Once your design reaches Zazzle headquarters, it has to be un-shrunk. This is done by placing each individual design under a scanning electron microscope which can take a high definition image of the incredibly small design. This image, is then digitally saved in the format you you originally uploaded.

Now that image is printed on every single concieveable product available at Zazzle. This can take hours and hours. Then each product is professionally photographed from several different angles, which is where those fantastic product previews come from. You didn't think those previews were some kind of CGI, or dark magic, did you?!

In the case of Keds sneakers and postage, each individual product is then shipped to whichever entity is offering that product and goes through a secret screening process to judge whether it is within product guidelines. Only the ones that are deemed acceptable are sent back to Zazzle and are now ready to be placed on your storefront!

I hope you found this educational. The more you know about Zazzle, the better off you are!

See you out there!

-Steve.

 

Why I don't need to do beer runs.

Mesquite Texas Squirrel Fights back! from Zazzle.com

Mesquite Texas Squirrel Fights back! from Zazzle.com

Mesquite Texas Squirrel Fights back! by Softproduct
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